When Someone Gets Under Your Skin, That’s Where the Work Begins
You know those people who just irritate your soul?
The gossip who twists every story.
The coworker who always has to be right.
The acquaintance who is too judgemental.
Maybe it’s your sister. Maybe it’s your husband (don’t worry, I won’t tell).
They annoy you in a way that feels personal. Like they’ve set up camp inside your nervous system and refuse to leave.
Even when you step back, you can’t even explain it. It’s not that deep, yet your reaction feels charged, almost disproportionate.
Why does it bother you so much?
Here’s the truth most people avoid:
The people who get under your skin are directions to your growth.
They’re the mirrors you didn’t ask for but deeply need.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
— Carl Jung
My sister cupped my face in her hands like we were in a movie. “Nina, you’re just afraid to settle down,” she said gently. I swatted her hands away.
I loved her. I really did. But in that moment? I wanted to scream.
This wasn’t the first time she launched into a full TED Talk about how I was wasting my best years by not getting married. She made it sound like I was lost, afraid, unsettled. But the truth is, I loved my life. I wasn’t afraid of settling down. I was afraid of settling.
Meanwhile, she was married. Picture-perfect on Instagram. The ultimate hostess at every family event. But deep down? She was bored. She craved adventure, but her husband preferred a quiet life and weekends spent fishing at the cottage. He was kind, supportive even, but she never brought up her desire to travel or try something new.
She didn’t want to deal with his reaction, or worse, how she’d feel if he didn’t agree. And she definitely didn’t want to face what people might say if she did something just for her.
So while I booked my trip to Thailand, she gave me a speech about how unfulfilled I was. But let’s be honest; we both knew who she was really talking about.
Let's analyze.
The truth is, Nina's sister wasn't really judging her. She was defending herself.
Nina's freedom triggered her compromise.
That’s the thing about irritation. It’s never just about the other person.
Here’s the hard truth:
The things that irritate us the most in other people are often the very things we haven’t faced in ourselves.
Read that again.
It’s not a comfortable truth. It’s not the kind of insight that goes down easy. But it’s the kind that changes you if you let it.
Here’s what it looks like in real life
For me, it showed up in the most unexpected ways.
My husband, for example, loves to be right. Like, all the frigging time.
And I used to get so irritated but when I finally sat with that feeling instead of stewing in it, I realized something uncomfortable:
I wasn’t mad because he needed to be right.
I was mad because I needed to prove myself.
His certainty mirrored my insecurity.
Then there was my friend who always took chances. She took trips on a whim, started huge projects, dated boldly, made wild decisions that made no logical sense.
She drove me crazy.
I’d think, She’s so impulsive.
But deep down, what I really meant was, She’s doing the things I’m scared to do, well, sometimes (sometimes what she was doing was ridiculous, but I digress...)
She reminded me of how much I craved freedom but kept choosing comfort.
And then there are the people who love to talk about “getting old,” and for some reason, that used to make me tense.
Not because of age but because it stirred something I didn’t want to face, a fear of not realizing my potential. Of looking back and having regrets.
It’s humbling when you realize that the very people who irritate you most are often holding up a mirror to your unspoken fears and untapped potential.
If you feel annoyed, it’s worth asking: "Why does this bother me so much?”
what do the experts say?
When something (or someone) triggers you, your brain isn’t just being dramatic. It’s being defensive.
Your brain’s job is to protect your sense of self. It doesn’t want you to see anything that challenges the story you’ve built about who you are. So when someone’s behavior hits a nerve, your subconscious reacts like, “Nope, not me. Definitely them.”
Psychologists call this ego defense.
We subconsciously reject anything that threatens how we see ourselves.
So instead of confronting it internally, we project it outward onto them.
They become the mirror we’d rather smash than look into.
It’s not conscious. It’s not malicious. But it’s powerful.
Because the things you reject in others often reveal the parts of yourself that are begging for attention.
The problem is that every time we refuse to face the mirror, we stay stuck.
Stuck in in the same emotional loops.
Stuck in self-righteousness.
Stuck in defensiveness instead of awareness.
Stuck blaming others for what your soul is trying to get you to see.
Every reaction you dismiss is a chance to understand yourself more deeply. Every irritation is an invitation to heal what’s blocking your growth.
So, my friend…
The next time someone gets under your skin, don’t be so quick to roll your eyes or shut down. Don’t reach for distraction or justification. Get curious.
Take a breath and ask yourself, “When have I felt this feeling before?, What if this irritation isn’t a setback but a signal?”
Because that’s what it is, a signal. A nudge from your higher self saying, “Hey, there’s something here you’re meant to see.”
Irritation isn’t there to punish you — it’s there to guide you.
It’s God's way of handing you a mirror and saying, “Here’s where you grow next.”
And the more you learn to see those moments as teachers instead of threats, the more you step into your power.
You stop reacting and start reflecting.
You stop repeating and start releasing.
You stop staying stuck and start becoming unstoppable.
So the next time someone tests your patience, thank them — silently, of course. Because without realizing it, they’re helping you do the very thing most people avoid:
the real, uncomfortable, necessary work of becoming who you’re meant to be.
