Desperate Decisions: When Wanting It Too Much Works Against You
Desperation is kind of a dirty word.
When we hear it, we don’t picture ourselves.
We picture someone else, usually a woman, clinging to a man who clearly doesn’t want her, begging for attention, lowering her standards, losing her dignity.
We look down on desperation.
We associate it with weakness, lack of self-respect, or poor judgment.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Most of us have been desperate at some point, we just didn’t call it that.
It doesn’t always show up in obvious ways.
Sometimes it hides in places that feel reasonable… even responsible.
Like:
Staying in a relationship longer than you should because you’re afraid of starting over.
Saying yes to an opportunity that doesn’t feel right because you’re scared nothing better will come along.
Rushing a decision because you’re tired of waiting and just want certainty, any certainty.
That’s desperation too.
What we often fail to realize is that desperation isn’t a character flaw. It’s a byproduct of fear.
It shows up when we feel lack, insecurity, pressure, or the weight of time closing in.
And that’s what makes it so dangerous.
Because desperation rarely announces itself as desperation.
It often disguises itself as:
Determination
“Knowing what you want”
Positive thinking
Even love
But really, desperation is like putting on smudged glasses.
It distorts what’s in front of you while convincing you that you’re finally seeing clearly.
And that’s how people make decisions they later can’t explain. It’s not because they didn’t know better, but because fear quietly took the lead.
Let me show you what I mean.
Ashley’s Story
Ashley is in her mid-30s, and she’s the last of her friend group that is still single. Everyone around her is moving into new seasons, proposals, pregnancies, and housewarmings. She celebrates them with a full heart, but every time she drives home from another baby shower, there’s a quiet ache she can’t shake.
She wants companionship.
She wants a family.
She wants a future she’s not sure she’ll get.
As each birthday passes, that ache builds into pressure and slowly, without realizing it, she starts making decisions from fear instead of peace.
She dates. She meets nice men. She tries. But nothing sticks.
Finally, one night while venting to her brother Marcus about another situationship that fizzled, he says gently:
“Ash… you might not see it, but I think you're coming on too strong. Men can smell desperation a mile away. It will repel some men but could also attract the wrong ones.”
Marcus was never one to shy away from the truth, but that stung. Ashley was used to it but she snapped back, not in anger, but in defensiveness.
“No. I just know what I want. I’m intentional. I’m direct.”
Marcus didn't agree but chooses not to argue.
He knows that she is spiraling deeper into a tunnel she can’t see.
Then She Meets Josh
Josh is funny, charming, easy to be around. Ashley feels a rush she hasn’t felt in a long time. She tells her friends, “I think he might be the one.”
There’s only one problem: she says it too fast.
Before she even knows who he really is.
And while Josh isn’t the worst, he’s not exactly perfect either.
He jokes in ways that are a little too harsh.
He interrupts her.
He always has an excuse for why he didn’t show up the way he said he would.
Things that don’t match the man she says she wants.
But she ignores it.
Because finally, someone is giving her the future she’s been chasing... kind of.
The Family Dinner
Ashley brings Josh to family dinner with her parents, Marcus, his wife, and a cousin. Everyone is kind, curious, and cautiously optimistic.
While chatting, Ashley’s mom proudly mentions her recent promotion.
Josh smirks and says:
““Wow, they must have been really short-staffed if they promoted you that quickly. Good thing you're pretty.”
He laughs like it’s harmless.
Everyone else stiffens.
Ashley feels her stomach drop. She rushes to cover for him:
“Oh my gosh, ignore him. He jokes like this all the time.”
But she’s uncomfortable.
This confirms what she already sensed. Josh is insecure about her success. She quickly changes the subject to how well Josh is doing at work.
Later, Marcus pulls her aside.
“Ash… that wasn’t a joke. When you’re not so focused on forcing something to work, you’ll see it.”
She knows he’s right.
But she’s tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of wondering. Tired of the unknown.
The Proposal
A few months later, Josh proposes.
It’s quick, unromantic, a ring after dinner with a half-hearted “let’s just do this.”
Ashley says yes.
Her “yes” feels more like relief than excitement.
When she tells Marcus, he doesn’t smile.
He asks quietly,
“Do you really love him, or are you just afraid to be alone?”
She doesn’t answer because deep down, she already knows.
She’s not choosing love. She’s choosing an exit from loneliness.
And that’s what desperation can do, it can blind you into believing “this is my chance,” even when the chance is beneath what you deserve.
The Cost of Making Decisions From Desperation
I've found that desperation seems to pull you inward. It narrows your vision. It makes you ignore the big picture that everyone else can see clearly. Unfortunately, the consequences don’t just land on you, they ripple:
• You become defensive with loved ones.
• You feel embarrassed when the truth finally comes out.
• You isolate because you don’t want to face what you already know.
• You cling harder to the wrong thing, hoping pressure will turn it into alignment.
People don’t talk about this enough:
Desperation doesn’t just affect what you choose, it affects who you become while choosing it.
It changes how you see yourself. It changes how others see you. It changes what you settle for.
How to Know If You’re Making a Fear-Based Decision
Ask yourself:
1. Am I choosing this to avoid something uncomfortable? Loneliness, judgment, a ticking clock, fear loves to disguise itself as urgency.
2. Am I ignoring red flags I’d normally address? If your “gut” has gone quiet, it’s not because you’re right, it may be because you have suppressed it.
3. Do I feel relaxed or rushed? Desperation has a tight, frantic energy.
Peace feels steady, grounded, and calm.
4. Would I still choose this if time wasn’t a factor? If the clock disappeared, would the decision stay the same?
5. Are the people who love me concerned? If you’re defensive, that’s a sign your spirit already knows the truth.
How to Shift From Desperation to Peace
Pause the urgency. Don’t make life decisions while emotional.
Let your nervous system settle before choosing. Give yourself a day, a week, a month. Clarity needs space. That being said, don't use needing time as an excuse to make a decision.
Ask: “If I weren’t scared, what would I choose?” That question alone can reroute your entire life.
Reconnect with your intuition. Your body knows. It always knows. Listen to the tightness, the heaviness, the forced feeling.
Remember: what’s right won’t feel forced. The things meant for you don’t require a chase.
The Truth Behind All of This
Desperation doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human.
You just want something deeply.
But when you want something so badly that you’re willing to ignore the signs, you end up choosing a future you’ll later wish you walked away from.
The work isn’t to stop wanting.
The work is learning to want from a place of peace instead of panic.
Because when your decisions come from faith instead of fear, everything shifts. Your standards rise, your clarity sharpens, and your relationships begin to reflect the person you’re becoming.
Final Thought
Desperation is a trap. It pushes you to grab whatever’s closest just so you don’t have to face waiting, growing, or trusting your own timeline. That’s how people get stuck in the same cycles, wondering why the same lessons keep showing up.
However, when you quiet the panic something thing powerful happens. You stop choosing from survival and start choosing from self-respect.
That shift opens the door to your next chapter.
This doesn’t mean that everything becomes perfect, it just means you’re no longer driven by urgency, pressure, or the fear of being left behind. You’re choosing from a steadier place. A place that builds your future instead of trapping you in another loop.
Moving past desperation is about becoming grounded enough to choose what’s truly good for you, not just what quiets the fear for a moment.
That’s how you move forward. Not rushed, not pressured, not afraid, but clear, and finally ready for what’s next.
Ready to lay the mental groundwork for the life you want?
Start with the Reflect and Realign Workbook: Your Pre-Work. It’s designed to help you slow down, reflect deeply, and get crystal clear on who you are, what you value, and where you’re headed—before the big decisions, before the burnout, and before the overwhelm.
Because clarity isn’t optional. It’s the foundation.
